Having someone you love go missing is an extremely difficult and painful experience. When a family member, friend or partner disappears without a trace, it can trigger all kinds of overwhelming emotions like fear, sadness, anger and anxiety. The not knowing where they are or what happened to them can be agonizing.
You might experience symptoms of psychological trauma, even if your loved one is eventually found safe. The initial shock when you first realize they’re missing can quickly turn into a constant state of distress, obsessive worrying and feeling on edge all the time.
Common Trauma Reactions
Everyone reacts differently, but some common trauma responses include:
Anxiety and Panic With your mind constantly racing with worst-case scenarios, it’s normal to develop issues with anxiety. You may have panic attacks, be unable to relax, or struggle with racing thoughts and a pounding heart.
Depression The sadness, grief and sense of loss from their disappearance can spiral into depression for some people. You may lose motivation, have trouble sleeping, and generally feel hopeless or empty inside.
Nightmares and Insomnia
It’s very common to have disturbing dreams or nightmares about what may have happened. The trauma also often leads to insomnia and disrupted sleep patterns because your mind won’t shut off.
Difficulty Focusing With so much emotional turmoil, it becomes extremely hard to concentrate on daily tasks, work responsibilities or anything that requires mental focus and energy. Simple things feel draining.
Guilt and Self-Blame Many people torture themselves with thoughts about what they could have done differently to prevent the disappearance. Guilt and irrational self-blame are common reactions, even if there’s no logic behind it.
Don’t try to bottle up these intense emotions. As difficult as it is, allowing yourself to fully experience and process the feelings is crucial for healing the trauma.
Getting Support
One of the best things you can do is get professional support to help you manage the psychological distress in healthy ways. Here are some options to consider:
Counseling and Therapy
Working with a licensed counselor or therapist gives you tools to process what you’re going through. Options like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and trauma-focused therapy provide strategies for coping with grief, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts related to the disappearance.
You’ll learn techniques like cognitive restructuring to challenge irrational thoughts, deep breathing exercises to calm the mind and body, and healthy ways to sit with painful emotions as they arise. Your therapist can also evaluate if you could benefit from medication for depression, anxiety or insomnia.
Support Groups
Connecting with others who understand what you’re experiencing can be incredibly validating and healing. Many cities have in-person or online support groups specifically for families and friends of missing persons.
Sharing stories, advice and listening to others’ perspectives in a compassionate space can help you feel less alone. Support groups are free or low-cost and provide a sense of community during an isolating time.
Self-Care Strategies
In addition to professional help, practicing self-care daily is vital for managing trauma symptoms. Simple strategies like these can provide stress relief:
Exercise
Physical activity has been scientifically proven to boost mood and reduce anxiety in powerful ways. Aim for 30-60 minutes per day of exercise you enjoy, like walking, swimming, cycling or yoga. The endorphins released can improve your overall sense of well-being.
Mindfulness and Relaxation Taking a break for meditation, deep breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation calms the mind and body when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Apps like Calm and Insight Timer provide free guided practices.
Maintain Routines
As much as possible, stick to a daily routine for meals, chores, work or activities. Having that structural normalcy provides comfort during such an unsettling time.
Creative Outlets Explore artistic hobbies like writing, painting, music or other creative pursuits that allow you to express and process complex emotions in a cathartic way.
Connect with Loved Ones Spend quality time with close friends and family who can offer a supportive listening ear and caring presence. Their love and emotional support is invaluable.
Organizational Resources
You don’t have to go through this alone. Several national organizations have free resources and services for families of missing persons, including:
National Missing and Unidentified Persons System (NamUs): NamUs is an online database and case management resource to help locate missing individuals. They provide free case assistance and can connect you to local support services.
National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC): While focused on missing children, NCMEC offers resources about coping with a missing loved one at any age. Their hotline connects you to support specialists and resources.
Team HOPE: This volunteer organization provides peer support for families navigating a missing persons case. You can connect with others facing similar situations.
Managing Emotions Day-to-Day
As much as possible, try to be gentle and patient with yourself as you navigate the emotional roller coaster. Here are some day-to-day tips:
- Keep a journal to freely express your feelings, fears and thoughts without judgement
- Make a conscious effort to stay hydrated and eat nutritious meals, which impacts mental health
- Get outside for fresh air and nature when possible – it can soothe the mind
- Ask loved ones for help with daily tasks and responsibilities when you’re struggling
- Limit alcohol and avoid drugs, as they ultimately increase anxiety and depression
- Be honest about your need for space, or extra support and compassion from others
- Read books, listen to podcasts or watch videos about others’ experiences to feel less alone
- Consider taking time off work or reducing responsibilities if you’re feeling overwhelmed
While general self-care tips can help provide respite, be compassionate if you’re having an especially difficult day where it’s hard to get out of bed or function. The trauma isn’t something you just “get over.”
The pain comes in waves, and some days will be harder than others. Don’t beat yourself up for having setbacks or moments of intense sadness and worry.
A Personal Story (Based on a real case)
It can help to hear how others have coped with the unthinkable experience of a missing loved one. Here is one personal account:
“Three years ago, my younger sister Jenna went missing during a cross-country road trip at age 22. Those first few months were some of the darkest times of my life. I was absolutely paralyzed by fear, horror and overwhelming sadness.
I missed weeks of work, had frequent panic attacks and could barely get out of bed some days. My mind kept imagining these awful scenarios of what could have happened to her. It was true psychological torture.
With support from a therapist, I learned techniques to calm my mind and stay grounded, like deep breathing and mindfulness exercises. She helped me reframe my obsessive, irrational thoughts in a more productive way.
Joining a virtual support group for families of missing loved ones also made me feel less alone and hopeless. Just sharing our stories and hearing others’ perspectives was healing.
While I still have hard days when grief overcomes me, I’m much better at coping with those intense emotional waves. Movement like walking and yoga, creative pursuits like writing, and relying on my wonderful support system have helped me persevere.
I’ll never give up hope in finding answers about what happened to Jenna. But I’ve realized that finding peace and moments of joy is possible, even amid trauma and uncertainty. The pain is always there, but it doesn’t have to consume me completely.”
Be patient and compassionate with yourself through this unimaginable ordeal. With time, self-care, and the right support system, healing is possible.
